I read Heart-Broken Open and what amazes me about author Kristine Carlson is her ability to remain with the unknown.  She took time to be with the hearbreak of losing her husband, to live with it as a natural (albeit painful) part of life, to not reject it and eventually and in some way to welcome it. 

And I found that beautiful. After all when the unknown comes knocking it is

Not a comfortable place to make camp.

When life tosses us a curve ball and we wobble a bit,  most often the difficult thing about it is that it feels like we are swinging in the dark.  It is hard when we cannot see the next step. We can't see how it will work out.

We've been dropped into the unknown.

And we want out.  Fast. Of course, that's problematic when we can't get rid of things simply by ignoring or avoiding them. So how do we live with not knowing how it will all turn out and having little power to change things sometimes?

Sometimes we believe we can escape by thinking our way out. We start overthinking. We ruminate. We worry. As if we could apply enough worry to something to solve it!  We try to find peace by over-intellectualizing and we want to leave nothing unknown, no stone unturned, no mystery unexplained. 

Even our 'mystery novels' are tied up neatly in the end, now I think about it...

It is as if we have lost tolerance for mystery. Our scientific-driven world dislikes the unknown and the unknowable in ways that ancient civilizations did not.

How will we discover something new if we can't invite the mystery of life, instead of pushing it away?

When was the last time you answered a question "I don't know"?

Personally I've really suffered from the I should know by now syndrome.

In many cases, if not all, my life would have been better served if I had let go of trying to know and found a way to allow myself to be moved and changed by what was happening. But I wanted out of the hot water as fast as I could.  Maybe its the discomfort. The discomfort with being uncomfortable.

So as I've fought with what life throws me, I look back and notice I've been dragged kicking and screaming to my greatest learning experiences.  All of which, I am now most grateful for. 

My question is, knowing the discomfort, how do you go at life with an open stance and open arms? 

It is not easy. Christine showed me ways I never imagined that you could grow and become more peaceful in yourself by accepting all the feelings that arise and not trying to push them away or rationalize them.

It seems to me that the measure of peace of mind is not so much that we are in some consistent state with no moods, no ups and downs, and no frenzy, but that finding peace is actually about making peace with the fact that we do have moods, we do get upset and we do get a little crazy sometimes.

That's not excuse-making, that's just being bigger than what happens to you.

One of my wonderful teachers in life, Jacob Glass, often talks about how we choose to come at life.  I find his way of approaching life worth trying out. It's called "Lots Can Happen" (read more here).

And if you love living life as an experiment, listen to myself and Jen Louden on Friday, March 11 on the radio show.  She and I talk about how her new SAVOR AND SERVE life experiment begins with not knowing the answer, but looking forward to finding out! 

Wanted: one person who, against all odds, reason and the free will of other people will move all animate objects into positions that will, once and for all time, make everyone happy. 

OK, I know that sounds ridiculous.  You know that sounds ridiculous. 

So why are we doing it?

If you take only a few minutes to listen to a conversation happening near you I guarantee you it won’t take long to detect all the directives, dictates and must-do’s that we have for other people.  They should call. They shouldn’t call. They should get over it. They shouldn’t be rude. They should be kind. They should get tough. And on and on…

Becoming the expert on what other people should do is a miserable  game that one person always loses: you.  But only 100% of the time.

In order to be Universal Project Manager In Charge of Making All Things Behave The Way They Should, we must ignore two basic truths. One is that we cannot change other people and two, that we cannot make other people happy – no matter what.

Every time I think that someone needs to do something differently in order for me to feel better, I am ignoring one or both of those. 

And who suffers as a result? Them or me?

The minute I ignore the difference between what I can control and what I cannot, I just signed up for the worst job in the world.  It's the energy-depleting job of lining up everyone else so that I don't have to feel so bad.

I need to manage someone’s anger so they don’t direct it at me – so that I can feel better.   I need them to seat me quickly at the restaurant - so I don’t have to feel frustrated. I need someone to call me - so that I can tell myself they do care about me and stop worrying whether they love me. 

It’s a never-ending list of things to control.

No wonder Hell Is Other People!

People don’t behave. Absolutely not. But we only suffer over that when we entertain that it is possible to manage them in a way that pleases us - instead of going to the source and just working where the real problem is.

I think we can all can find one person in our experience we are truly convinced needs to change.  But would you be willing to try, for one day, giving up trying to fix or control anyone other than yourself and your own feelings?  

Resign as project manager of the universe for a day or more this week.  Let others do their thing and you just do yours.  Including learning how to feel good when other people seem to be making that impossible.

Hell is not other people.  Hell is the compulsion to change others so I can feel good.